Friday, April 17, 2009


My boyfriend of eight years proposed to me a few days ago and naturally, I said yes. We've been in a lengthy long distance relationship for about 7 years, with him living in France and me in the US. Last year, he moved to the US and I moved in with him. We will get married after I finish medical school.

The thing is, I feel I am not as special as his ex-girlfriends.

Once, I asked him what dealbreakers would make him break up with me. He said several things, all of which anyone could understand as potential issues leading to a break-up. Some of the things that he did mention, though, are what his ex-girlfriends have done to him. However, he never broke up with them. His girlfriends are the ones that broke up with him because they eventually fell out of love with him and ended up liking someone else. Knowing him, he wouldn't be the one to end things. So if his exes hadn't broken up with him, would we even be together right now?

Even though he says I am tons better than his ex-girlfriends and that he loves me more than I could know, I just don't think I am any more special than his previous girlfriends. For example, he tells me the same things that I know he's told his exes. He also tells me the things he used to tell his female best friend when they were close friends (and she said the same things back, by the way), such as "you look so cuuuuuuuuute and amazing and wonderful and beautiful my dear." I know he moved here to the US to be with me and his father (his dad lives in the US), but when his father moved to the US, he was with one of his exes and chose not to follow his father. So does the moving bit really make me that much more special than his previous girlfriends? Because if one of his exes had moved to the US, he would most likely follow suit.

When I was a teenager I had a dream that I would have a guy who would love me DEARLY. In this dream, if I were to leave my boyfriend, he would beg me not to go and tell me that I'm the only one he could ever think of being with (does this sound familiar...from books/TV/movies perhaps?). To me, THAT makes me feel special. The fact that he'd let go of his pride to tell me that I am the only one and beg me not to go - that is an example of what would make me feel special. But, I remember having a fight a year ago with my now-fiance where we had a bit of trouble and I told him it might be good if we broke up. He said "okay, but you do realize that we won't keep contact after that?" That was a big sucker punch to me. Am I not special enough that he could just cut all ties with me just like that? After ALL that we have been through together? After he's told me he loves me SO much and how we've talked about the names of our future kids, what kind of furniture will be in our apartment, what kind of food we'd make for dinner... It just really hurt me.

But don't get me wrong! He's not cold-hearted in the least. He's extremely warm, affectionate, loving, understanding, and beautiful in every way possible. It's just that if I am to marry someone, I want that person to make me feel that I can't be replaced, that I am special, more than any other girl he knows. I know just by marrying me, that it should be obvious that I am special enough, but like I implied before, he could have just have married one of his exes had they not broken up with him. Help, am I being too much of a drama queen? Or am I not wrong to feel this way?

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Hello there , welcome to my page . As a person who always keep things to myself, blogging is a way for me to release it all . Every content I wrote stays here for myself . I would take blogging is a healthy way and learning process for me in every aspecs .